Countless men have been emboldened by one of the most varied and hopeful phrases in the English lexicon: “It’s not the size that matters, it’s how you use it.”
It’s a call-out for those lazy lotharios who rest on their genetic laurels and a lifeline for those eager few who may pay extra attention to their spam email. It’s a proclamation that, all too often, you just can’t have it both ways.
Ladies, suspend your disbelief and slip into something more comfortable (a wetsuit, preferably) because I have someone I’d like you to meet. May I introduce you to….a barnacle.
OK, never mind that someone part, just listen up. First of all, barnacles possess tallywackers that measure over ten times their body length (doesn’t the idea of your boyfriend wielding a sixty-foot trouser snake sound appealing?). That we know, but here’s the kicker: Barnacles also can change the size and shape of their penises! As they’re fastened tight to rocks, the stationary studs obviously can’t carouse around like sequin-shirted community college students at happy hour; instead, their long, long penises seek out mates from afar. It appears that barnacles adjust their junk according to underwater wave conditions: when wave action is light, a longer (thinner) penis can reach more mates, but at times of higher wave action, a shorter (stouter) penis is more maneuverable. Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is evolution at its finest.
It’s unclear how the lucky ladies of the ocean feel about the thin/thick genital dichotomy, though their terrestrial counterparts have indeed weighed in on the issue.
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