Jeremy Brown

When Charlton Heston passed away last weekend, somehow not from an accidental gunshot wound, he had been battling Alzheimer’s for six years.

US-based biotech company Power3 Medical Products claims to have developed a test that can detect Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s and Lou Gehrig’s six years before the diseases reveal themselves. Had Heston been offered the luxury of such far-sighted diagnosis between the time of his christiological walking tour and ascension to NRA straight-shooter, his most infamous utterance would possibly still be an eventuality.

The NuroPro test, despite being in the early stages of development, will be marketed to physicians in the United States and Greece later this year. Its creators claim 90% accuracy, though researchers are still examining 300 trial patients to determine if this is true.

Continue reading 'New blood test can predict future' >

Of all the hair-brained policies we’ve had to endure as a nation over the past eight years, abstinence-only sex education has to be right near the top of the list. The idea that explaining the complexities of sexual reproduction and disease prevention will prove a greater aphrodisiac than exploding teenage hormones is logic at its most crocked. As a federally mandated ideological agenda item it’s shortsighted and asinine, and, as more than a few folks prognosticated, potentially harmful.

But really, how harmful did even the most cynical of us think it could be? Worst case is some kid misses the memo on condoms, goes happily philandering about, ends up like poor Telly from Kids and spends the rest of his life pissed at the world because no one bothered to give him a heads up. Don’t get me wrong, that’s bad, awful, tragic, but it betrays little more than a natural adolescent naivete about acts belonging to the province of adulthood. The real folly is that the no-sex-till-wedding-night set assumes that students somehow will glean the basics of the aforementioned complexities without the benefit of formal education.

Continue reading 'This just in: cure for AIDS found in Florida' >

It’s a long-held assumption that humans harbor an innate fear of snakes and spiders as an evolutionary defense mechanism against the threats such creepy crawlies may pose. Moreover, recent studies have suggested that we possess an uncanny natural capacity to preferentially attend to—i.e. identify—bite-happy beasties so as to give them the wide berths we presume they warrant.

However, researchers at the University of Queensland posit that just because we notice potential dangers, doesn’t necessarily mean we fear them. Quoth Dr. Helena Purkis:

“We showed that although everyone preferentially attends to snakes or spiders in the environment as they are potentially dangerous, only inexperienced participants display a negative response.

“If we understand the relationship between preferential attention and emotion it will help us understand how a stimulus goes from being perceived as potentially dangerous, to eliciting an emotional response and to being associated with phobia."

Continue reading ''It is better to be feared than loved' - snakes, spiders, etc' >

You've got ten seconds. No cheating.

Last month when American Airlines flew its pampered pentad of passengers from Chicago to London, the carbon footprint left by burning 22,000 gallons of fuel during a virtually empty flight more resembled a carbon foot in Mother Nature's ass.

Environmentalists flew, presumably fossil fuel-free, through the roof. Defenders of the industry loudly countered by pointing out the harsh pragmatics of airline scheduling. Others, sensing opportunity, derided the likes of Al Gore and similar activists for hypocritically jet-setting across the globe to deliver messages of environmental responsibility.

American Airlines, which lost about $60,000 on the much-maligned voyage, won’t have to worry about such fiascos starting at the end of this month. On March 30, the Open Skies agreement takes effect, allowing any US and EU airline to make transatlantic flights between all destinations on both sides of the pond. London’s Heathrow airport will be opened for full competition from foreign carriers with an expected monthly increase of 524 flights to the States as well as 5,853 new trips throughout Europe. Until mankind builds the first trans-oceanic bike path, we’re going to have untold millions more tons of CO2 floating around the friendly skies.

Continue reading 'The high cost of cheap air travel' >

In the past six months we’ve heard a couple grand and divergent pronouncements regarding two of the world’s deadliest diseases. David Baltimore recently waxed hopeless on the prospect of finding an HIV vaccine, in what amounts to a sober echo of Chris Rock’s resigned vision of the future:

"Yo, man, you weren't at work yesterday. What's up?''
''My AlDS is acting up."
''You know, when the weather get like this, my AlDS just pop up."
''But l took some Robitussin. l'm fine now!''

Conversely, opponents of malaria aren’t blinking as of yet. Indeed, they’re digging in for a fight. In October, in front of 300 of the globe’s leading malaria experts, Melinda Gates delivered a message of almost scandalous optimism: “The only way to end death malaria is to end malaria,” she boomed. The London Observer chronicles the response:

What she meant, and it provoked gasps from her audience, was 'end' as in 'eradicate' - known as the 'e' word in the malaria community because of its almost taboo status, so improbably, unscientifically dreamy does the task appear.

Continue reading 'Malaria researchers: dream on' >

What does it take to be dominant in the world of sports? Well, the short answer seems to be money and steroids, but of course other factors exist (HGH, being scheduled against the Knicks, etc). But you just try telling that to those teams of researchers who occasionally pop up attempting to correlate wins and losses with uniform color.

One such study was conducted during the 2004 Olympics, with a focus on the judo competition, essentially concluding that athletes wearing blue robes had a sporting advantage over their counterparts decked out in white. Blue, the logic goes, is bolder and meaner looking than white, thus somehow psyching out all the lily-clad pansy boys. Blue, apparently, is the new red.

Continue reading 'Why choking in the big game isn't really your fault' >

Since last summer the small town of Cuero, Texas has been the epicenter of one of the Internet’s favorite points of discussion: chupacabras. In July, a motorist plowed into a hairless purple-hued doglike creature that fits the rough physical description of what the southwest’s most beloved cryptid would actually look like, leaving many people to speculate—sometimes wildly—about the lineage of the unfortunate roadkill.

Phylis Canion, on whose property it expired, decided to find out just what the hell this creature was that, true to chupacabra legend, had been sucking the blood out of all her chickens. So in conjunction with a local news station, she sent DNA samples to Texas State University for further elaboration. The answer she received was far from earth-shattering. It belongs to the coyote family, quoth the lab.

Continue reading 'The chupacabra myth: exposed!' >

Countless men have been emboldened by one of the most varied and hopeful phrases in the English lexicon: “It’s not the size that matters, it’s how you use it.”

It’s a call-out for those lazy lotharios who rest on their genetic laurels and a lifeline for those eager few who may pay extra attention to their spam email. It’s a proclamation that, all too often, you just can’t have it both ways.

Ladies, suspend your disbelief and slip into something more comfortable (a wetsuit, preferably) because I have someone I’d like you to meet. May I introduce you to….a barnacle.

Continue reading 'Barnacles: nature's most attentive lovers' >

Two days ago, President Bush released his $17.6 NASA budget for FY09. There are a few notable points here: the Langley Research Center took a $92 million hit; Mars exploration has been pushed to the periphery with no new landings scheduled after the 2009 Mars Science Laboratory; and over $173 million has been earmarked for Commercial Orbital Transportation Services, restoring some money Congress cut from the $500 million program late last year.

Interestingly, this is the first year that NASA’s Constellation program has received more funding than the Space Shuttle, which will retire in September 2010. Though Constellation will receive an extra $6.5 billion by that time (directly from shuttle program coffers) the program won’t be operational until at least 2015, forcing NASA to rely on the Russians for access to the International Space Station in the interim.

Florida Senator Mel Martinez, for one, is aghast: “Relying on the Russians to put a person in space for us? C’mon, this is the United States of America!” Get ‘em Mel!

Continue reading 'NASA budget: a brief overview' >

The polar bear is widely accepted as the unofficial symbol of global warming. Most people would suggest that the poor, drowning, computer-generated creature from Al Gore’s An Inconvenient Truth thrust the plight of the polar bear into the national consciousness. Soon after, with the birth of little Knut in a Berlin zoo, the world had a physical being of heartbreaking cuteness to associate with the problem, though the cub, far from the Dorian Gray of his species, is susceptible to the corruption of age, as are most adolescents.

It didn’t take long for Hollywood to cast them as honorable (and rational) warriors, who’d also star in their own features and rub elbows with the likes of Leonardo DiCaprio. So when reports surfaced in 2006 that the shifting climate forced the bears into cannibalism, the public reacted with an outpouring of compassion rather than dismissing them as fearsome predators, as may have been the case in other circumstances. These days, 1993 seems a lifetime ago, when America was captivated by Coca-Cola’s dreamlike Arctic idyll.

Continue reading 'Protecting the polar bears...with oil!' >

For this post, I’d like to discuss a subject very close to my heart: strip clubs. Like many a frequent and busy-handed patron, I can tell you the location of every theater of flesh within thirty miles of my doorstep. But if I find myself in a distant city, I’m completely at a loss, and as a result, inconsolable.

Well, now it’s GPS technology to the rescue! Always a neat gizmo to be sure, GPS has finally realized its full potential through NUDAR, which, once downloaded onto your existing unit, will locate every place and event where boobs and butts aren’t locked away in sartorial confines. You can either type in the name of a breastination to which you’ll be flawlessly guided, or just tumescently trawl around town and NUDAR will alert you to any emporium of public nudity within a .2 mile radius.

Continue reading 'Global Pimpin' System' >

In 1919, fifty years after the yellow fever epidemic drove away much of Tampa’s population and a decade prior to the apex of the city's cigar industry, six young men were arrested for fishing out of season. Though impoverished anglers, they persuaded the area’s hottest young criminal defense attorney to represent them. The fee: a fish dinner. The ensuing case not only portended a brilliant legal and political career, it spawned an ichthyological footnote that well reflects the strange and often anarchic times of Tampa Bay in the early 20th century.

Partial to scotch and smoking, Patrick Crisp Whitaker, Sr. never made it past eighth grade, hiring a friend to forge his high school diploma in order to get into Georgetown law school. Once established, he performed at trials with the flair of a master showman, attracting hordes of curious spectators, and once, according to legend, commanded a jury’s attention by removing his false teeth during an opening statement. Before trading the courtroom for a seat on the state Senate, Whitaker is said to have deprived Old Sparky of more condemned men than any other lawyer in the history of Florida.

Continue reading 'The Curious Case of the Aquatic Fowl' >

Researchers at the University of Sunderland have developed a helmet that, once benoggined, may actually be able to reverse the degenerative effects of Alzeimer’s. By the looks of it, the headgear can probably also help coordinate a systematic takeover of Earth with distant and predatory alien races, condemning mankind to extinction. But that’s a horse of a different color. (This color, to be exact.)

Anyhoo, the helmet, which only needs to be worn ten minutes a day, delivers low-intensity infra-red light to the brain, stimulating growth in damaged cells. Infra-red therapy tests in mice have proved promising, and eight of nine recent human test subjects suffering from dementia showed improvement after donning the device. Not bad for a therapy supposedly designed to treat cold sores.

Continue reading 'Possible treatment for Alzeimer's may cause apocalypse' >

On Monday, archaeologists testing the soil for new utility lines in NYC’s Washington Square Park made an increasingly humdrum discovery: they found a bunch of human bones—enough, reportedly, to comprise two full skeletons. The Parks Department says that bones were also unearthed on one of three previous excavations. This comes as little surprise—an estimated 20,000 bodies repose beneath the park.

In the late 1700’s, long before the park became the ultimate destination to mobilize for various political rallies, cop nickel bags of oregano or engage in a round of ghetto chess, it functioned as a mass burial ground as the yellow fever epidemic (as well as other diseases) decimated the city’s burgeoning population. The park would go on to have a long and morbid affiliation with death: throughout the turn of the 19th century it was the sight of a public gallows where a great many African slaves, indentured Irish, highwaymen and assorted unfortunates saw their demise. It was also a designated dueling ground, before the practice was outlawed in 1828.

Park officials say that the bones will be subject to a forensic investigation before proper reburial. If finding bones in the heart of NYC hasn’t caused much of a stir, it’s because one can often find much more macabre things on the city’s streets (and still not be very shocked).