"How many times do I have to ask you to _________?" Fill in the blank. A good screaming match with your mate feels good. And when it's all over, making up brings you closer together. Now researchers have found fights can not only save your marriage, but save your life too.
Couples who suppress their anger when they are verbally attacked die earlier than couples who don't hold back, express their anger, and resolve the conflict, according to a new University of Michigan study.
The 17-year survey followed 192 couples. When both spouses suppress their anger at the other when unfairly attacked, earlier death was twice as likely than in all other types.
The researchers theorize that anger is automatically produced when you think someone attacks you unfairly. If you don't protest against unfair treatment at the time, then you grow to resent the other person. "You just stew in your own juices," said Ernest Harburg, professor emeritus with the U-M School of Public Health and the Psychology Department, and lead author.
The suppressed anger influences other morbid systems such as hypertension, uclers, or bronchitis.
Harburg found a few distinctions between the sexes. Both men and women who have high blood pressure and suppress anger, die earlier. When women think they've been attacked unfairly, Harburg says, women say they've been "hurt." Men never say they've been hurt. Harburg sees hurt as a form of repressed anger.
In a podcast, Harburg says the healthier way to communicate is following the rules of consensus:
1. Talk about the problem
2. Learn how to listen to other person's point of view without interrupting and getting angry.
3. Together, figure out, "How can we solve this problem?"
If you can't work things out, there's always robot sex.
Photo Credit: Sachin
Via University of Michigan
Comments
Jeremy Brown
says:
Jesus Christ, I'm going to live forever.
January 23, 2008 1:07 PM
arjun maasi says:
Finally it has received scientific licence. A good fight with wife everyday might keep the doctor away! And death too (well, almost)!
Must show this to my wife. We fight almost everyday, but the positive thing is that we never sleep over it. It is resolved by the end of the day. Fortunately, neither of us resort to violence, so it's easier to resolve.
Funny, that many couples feel that a good marriage is one which has no fights in it. I feel it is damn too artificial and forced to present a `good' marriage to society by intentionally keeping fights (verbal) out of it. They turn out to be mere puppets, always smiling and caressing each other. What runs within their minds could be copletely different.
Marriage is between two individuals, and differences are bound to crop up again and again. And over anything that requires a discussion - even if it's as trivial as choosing between a piping hot cup of tea and fruit juice.
Anyway, this study excites me. Sure to excite my wife too. Promise to set apart at least one hour for an intense fight with wifey.
Anything for a happy and a healthy life. HAPPY FIGHTING FOLKS!
PS: By the way, we have remained married for over 11 years with fights happening nearly everyday. We love each other, and we love our fights! Have two children, who we pray, never get to witness these verbal boom-booms for their own sake (there's another research indicating the negative aspects of that).
January 30, 2008 8:16 AM
A Foster says:
Let's not leap to conclusions about what expressing anger means. It is not necessarily about shouting and yelling, which may only add to the sense of unfairness. It is about being able to speak honeslty about the behaviour that makes you angry and then solving the problem.
Anger then becomes a useful emotion to indeed keep you and your relationship healthier.
January 31, 2008 8:15 AM
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